| TEAM | Record | Offense Rank | Defense Rank | Points Scored | Points Allowed | Run Differential | |
| W | L | ||||||
| AK Santaali | 4 | 0 | 3 | 5 | 132 | 95 | 37 |
| Cobra Kai | 3 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 122 | 72 | 50 |
| Bandits | 3 | 1 | 7 | 1 | 87 | 57 | 30 |
| Gators | 3 | 1 | 2 | 6 | 149 | 103 | 46 |
| PrimeTime | 3 | 1 | 5 | 3 | 107 | 74 | 33 |
| Browns | 2 | 2 | 1 | 4 | 159 | 92 | 67 |
| Savages | 1 | 3 | 6 | 8 | 91 | 121 | -30 |
| Renegades | 1 | 3 | 8 | 10 | 66 | 146 | -80 |
| The Elites | 0 | 4 | 9 | 7 | 62 | 115 | -53 |
| Thunder | 0 | 4 | 10 | 9 | 27 | 127 | -100 |
AK
This team leads the league in wins. They also lead the league in most punchable faces. These guys talk like there’s no tomorrow. For a team that chokes when it matters most, they probably shouldn’t be talking so much. They’re gonna have to win this year or we’re naming them the regular season champs dynasty (RSCD ™). They are like the famous baseball team who won so many division titles but only had one ring to show for all those opportunities. Who dis belong to man? Not to this sorry collection of braggarts.
COBRA KAI
This team might be for real. Who are we kidding. They’re not. This is the team that gave up 75 points last year. In ONE game. That losing DNA is still there. This team is built on a foundation of losing. They think because they got a new QB and are near the top that they can do something come playoff time? Highly doubtful. You know the saying that you can take someone out of the hood but can’t take the hood out of them? Well, this team was built on a losing culture, so….
BANDITS
We all know what a Bandit is. Well, they are right in one sense. Teams have to pay ref fees to play this collection of nonentities. This team should be covering their opponents’ ref fees for wasting their time engaging this group of below ordinary men. These guys have 3 wins and that’s where they’ll probably end up…in January. With 3 wins. How this team hasn’t been kicked out of the league for general suckiness deserves an investigation. Hey commish maybe its time this team rides into the sunset….
GATORS
We’re not going to say anything bad about the Gators…….SIKE! These guys are a collection of below average talent and they’re annoying. It doesn’t get much worse than that. They think they have a finally found a competent QB and a game breaker. What they have is a rancid, putrid ensemble of nothingness. These guys should quit playing before their season ends in more disappointment. They can’t beat the teams that matter. We say stick a fork in this collection of ordinary. No spoiler here: they won’t win the chip.
PRIME TIME
Thousands of people change their names every year. It happens more than you think. When people become citizens of our great nation, some people will change their not so Anglican name from Xdztdfzljrs to Joe. But the same qualities that made Xdztdfzljrs a below average loser is going to stay with Xdztdfzljrs even if he now calls himself Joe. PrimeTime used to be called the Underdogs. They were below average losers then and they are below average losers now even if they call themselves PrimeTime. Their hideous jerseys make take them down another notch on the loser scale. New name, same old collection of losers.
BROWNS
Is there a more annoying team than this group of obnoxious “athletes” with an over inflated sense of self. These guys make AK look tolerable. The Browns walk around like they run the league. What they run is scared when facing a good team. Maybe their QB should pick up running so he lose the extra 100 pounds he’s carrying. He makes an elephant look anorexic. This team cries about everything. Almost as much as AK. These guys have won but there are no winners when the rest of the league hates you for being sore winners. These guys are an embarrassment to the brotherhood the league espouses.
SAVAGES
A Savage is supposed to be a brutal or vicious person. These Savages? None of the above. These guys are a bunch of felines. No heart. Just a bunch of fake scowls like they’re shooting a rap video. And like most things in rap videos, these guys are also renting the tough guy look. These guys haven’t won anything of significance since, well, since never. Multiple time first round champs. They’ll be lucky to accomplish even that this year. Sorry ass degenerates.
RENEGADES
These guys are trying to be cool with a what they think is a cool team name. They should’ve checked the dictionary first. Who did the Renegades betray? The Savages by creating their own team? We think they betrayed common sense and belied competence. These guys look like chickens with their heads cut off. Going in all directions. Making a mess. At least the headless chickens will die very soon. These Renegades? We should be so lucky. These guys will torture the league with their incompetence by obstinately staying together.
THE ELITES
Someone needs to go the Elites and slap the smirk off of their mediocre selves. This team hyped themselves up, picked up a bunch never has beens, and think they can compete? These clowns need a reality check. Check the win column. We’re writers and have as many wins as these knuckleheads. Someone inform this “team” that they need to cancel their season just like the league needs to cancel that stupid weekly show by one of their players. It’s great for insomnia. We’re talking about the show. We think.
THUNDER
We’re wondering why the Thunder exist. Like really, why do you get up on Saturday, put on uniforms with the wrong logo, trek it all the way across the island, and lay an egg. Consistently lay eggs. Hang it up and become chicken farmers. At least there’s earnings potential in raising chickens.
